NOTE: This is not a real terms and conditions. It has not been evaluated by the FDA and is not intended to treat or cure any disease.
ENGLISH VERSION
Introduction
These Terms and Conditions govern your usage of this website (hereafter referred to as “this website,” “Jamie Teleportation,” “God,” or “the Federated States of Micronesia”). Please read the Terms and Conditions carefully before viewing this website. Any viewing of this website (including to read the Terms and Conditions) constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions. If you do not agree to the Terms and Conditions, do not read the Terms and Conditions.
The Terms and Conditions may update from time to time. Do not be afraid, as this is the natural way of things. We encourage you to periodically re-read the Terms and Conditions to stay informed about any such changes.
Write it on your calendar.
Your data
Cookie Policy: Cookies are small pastries often found in internet browsers. This website uses “necessary cookies” to track viewership. Necessary biscuits and croissants may be used as well. Not a significant source of necessary protein. Produced in a facility that processes necessary eggs.
Privacy Policy: We do not sell your personal data, nor make targeted ads or anything; not out of the goodness of our hearts, but because we don’t know how. If there’s an instructional YouTube video for that, we haven’t seen it yet. Speaking of YouTube, try-not-to-laugh compilations are strictly prohibited on this webcomic. All violators will be towed.
Our Content
Content is a blue, gelatinous substance commonly found in caves.1 This website contains content.
Content moderation: Jamie Teleportation uses a network of valves and pipes to regulate the flow of content. This network is overseen by a team of trained specialists who monitor the pipes to ensure their continued operation. The team may occasionally add water to the pipes to prevent content from slowing down and causing blockage.
Objectionable Content: Though content is largely nontoxic, allergic reactions to content have been observed in certain populations. Do not read Jamie Teleportation if you are allergic to content. By interacting with this website, you agree not to hold Jamie Teleportation or its associates liable for any adverse reactions related to the content encountered on this website.
Tables of Content: In 1997, researchers at Johns Hopkins University demonstrated that calcified content could be used to build tables. Aside from a brief “table craze” in the early 2000s, this discovery was largely forgotten until 2021, when Javier Milei purchased a bulk order of 730 tables to break with his chainsaw. When the tables failed to arrive on time (in part due to an accident that obstructed the Suez Canal), Milei was forced to find other uses for his chainsaw, ultimately employing it as a campaign tool during the 2023 Argentine presidential election.
Jamie Teleportation neither condemns nor endorses the use of content to build tables. By interacting with this website, you agree not to hold Jamie Teleportation or its associates liable for any adverse reactions related to the political activities of Javier Milei.
Your Content: The human body contains skin, organs, and other objects (hereafter referred to as “human content”). The human content of your body (hereafter referred to as “personal content” or “your content”) is incredibly fragile, and will likely enter a state of permanent disarray (hereafter referred to as “personal content failure”) within the next eighty years. Despite advances in modern medical technology, personal content failure is inevitable and permanent. Jamie Teleportation cannot prevent this. By interacting with this website, you agree not to hold Jamie Teleportation or its associates liable for any adverse reactions related to your inexorable march towards death.
Governing Language
Local requirements may mandate a translation of the Terms and Conditions. At least, we think they might. Maybe they don’t. We haven’t actually checked. No translation of the Terms and Conditions shall be binding unless officially authorized by Jamie Teleportation.
Local presidents may mandate an official language for the United States. Mientras lees Teleportación Jamie, reconoces que los Estados Unidos no necesita un idioma nacional porque la mezcla de idiomas y culturas es lo que hace especial el país.
While Jamie Teleportation is primarily an English-language comic, the official governing language of the Terms and Conditions is Toki Pona, and in the event of a conflict between different translations of the Terms and Conditions, the Toki Pona version shall prevail.
Disclaimer of Warranties
TO THE EXTENT NOT PROHIBITED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW, THE COMICS, IMAGES, AND DIVINE INCANTATIONS ON THIS WEBSITE ARE PRESENTED “AS IS” AND WITH NO WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND. JAMIE TELEPORTATION DISCLAIMS ALL WARRANTIES TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PROVIDED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW. NO ORAL OR WRITTEN STATEMENTS BY JAMIE TELEPORTATION SHALL CONSTITUTE A WARRANTY, BECAUSE WE’RE DISHONEST SCOUNDRELS AND YOU CAN’T TRUST ANYTHING WE SAY. THIS WHOLE PARAGRAPH IS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THAT’S HOW IMPORTANT IT IS.
Some jurisdictions don’t allow for unreadable blocks of all-caps text, so the above paragraph might not apply to you.
Limitation of Liabilities
TO THE EXTENT NOT PROHIBITED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW, IN NO EVENT SHALL JAMIE TELEPORTATION BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES, DIRECT OR INDIRECT, RESULTING FROM YOUR USE OR MISUSE OF THE WEBSITE, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO PERSONAL INJURY, CORPORATE OR FINANCIAL LOSSES, PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL PAIN, MALE-PATTERN BALDNESS, CHANGES IN WEIGHT, LOSS OF JOB, LOSS OF CAR KEYS, LOSS OF SPATIAL/TEMPORAL DIMENSIONS, ORGAN FAILURE, TURNING INTO A TOASTER, DEATH, SPONTANEOUS TRANSPORTATION TO MONGOLIA, OR TEMPORARY LOSS OF SANITY/APPENDAGES.
Some jurisdictions don’t allow for the limitations of liabilities, so the above paragraph may not apply to you. Dammit, jurisdictions!
Except where required by international law, in no event shall Jamie Teleportation’s liability to you exceed two dollars and fifty-seven cents ($2.57 JSD).
Liability of Limitations
TO THE EXTENT NOT PROHIBITED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW, JAMIE TELEPORTATION THINKS THAT LIMITATIONS ARE STUPID AND SHOULD BE DONE AWAY WITH. IF YOUR PARENTS SAY YOU CAN ONLY EAT THREE COOKIES BEFORE BEDTIME, EAT TWENTY. IF A WATER BOTTLE CAN ONLY FIT TWO LITERS OF WATER, KEEP FILLING IT UP UNTIL IT’S CARRYING NINETY-FIVE. IF THERE’S A LIMIT ON HOW MUCH CAPITALIZED TEXT CAN BE IN A TERMS AND CONDITIONS, IGNORE IT. EVERYBODY LOVES CAPITALIZED TEXT. CAPS LOCK IS THE BEST PART OF EVERY KEYBOARD. CAPS LOCK IS LOOKING DOWN ON US EVERY DAY, PROTECTING US WITH ITS ALL-SEEING GAZE. WE GIVE THANKS TO YOU, O MIGHTY CAPS LOCK, AND OFFER THIS PARAGRAPH IN HUMBLE SACRIFICE. MAY YOUR UPPERCASE GRACE BLESS US ALWAYS. AMEN.
Some jurisdictions still use lowercase letters every now and then because they’re cowards, so the above paragraph may not apply to you.
Arbitration Agreement
While Jamie Teleportation strives to be the internet’s most perfect website, we recognize that conflict is sometimes inevitable. Please read this section carefully, as it limits the manner in which nobodies like you can seek relief from titanic megacorporations like us.
Class Action Waiver: By accessing this website, you recognize that all charges brought against Jamie Teleportation can only be filed on an individual basis, because it’s easier to pick you off individually than fight you all at once. El pueblo unido jamás será vencido, entonces no tienes el derecho de unir el pueblo.
Trial By Jury Waiver: By accessing this website, you hereby waive your right to settle disputes with Jamie Teleportation via trial by jury. Is that legal? In the US, apparently so, because the Seventh Amendment only applies at the federal level.
Soul Waiver: By accessing this website, you hereby waive all rights to your immortal soul, including but not limited to ownership rights, admittance to heaven, admittance to limbo/purgatory, and the right to make a contract with Satan or other demonic entities.
Arbitration: Any disputes between you and Jamie Teleportation that cannot be settled by negotiation will be solved by binding arbitration. And when we say binding, we mean binding. Imagine zip ties and duct tape, but worse. The arbitration will wrap around your wrists and ankles as you hover in place, suspended in the air by invisible coils forged from the flesh of a dead god. Your eyes dart around as you look for something to soothe the emptiness gnawing at your soul, but all you see is darkness.
Then a bright flash kills the shadows. Your eyes are immediately clenched with pain, but curiosity or desperation compels you to open them. But your once-hopeful eyes offer no solace. As you stare into the all-seeing visage of Xorledyn the Eternal, you finally understand. Xorledyn is the past. Xorledyn is the future. Xorledyn is all that is and all that was and all that ever will be. When the last stars die and the last light in the universe goes out, Xorledyn will be there, waiting.
By accessing this website, you agree surrender every aspect of your being to Xorledyn the Eternal. Xorledyn is always waiting.
Nutrition Facts
| Serving Size: 1 website (0g) Servings Per Internet: 1 | |
|---|---|
| Calories | 0 |
| % Daily Value* | |
| Total Fats 0g | 0% |
| | Saturated Fats 0g | 0% |
| | Trans Fats 0g | |
| | Cis Fats 0g | |
| Cholesterol 0g | 0% |
| Total Carbohydrates 0g | 0% |
| | Dietary Fiber 0g | 0% |
| | Sugars 0g | |
| | Includes 0g added sugar | 0% |
| Protein 0g | 0% |
| Vitamin A 0g | 0% |
| Calcium 0g | 0% |
*The % Daily Value (DV) tells you how much a nutrient in a serving of food contributes to a daily diet. 2,000 calories a day is used for general nutrition advice.
Ingredients: Madness, sanity
Apocalypse Policy: The end of the world (and your responsibilities for when it occurs) falls under several categories:
- Societal Collapse: For whatever reason, most societal organization ceases, and the world falls into anarchy.
- The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
- Life’s Meaning Decreases Significantly: Who cares?
- The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
- Human Extinction: No new humans are born, probably due to everyone dying.
- The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
- Great Dying: Most life on Earth dies. This probably includes humanity.
- The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
- Cosmic Armageddon: Our world ends, and so do many others.
- The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
- Reason Is Out To Lunch: Meaning has no meaning. The walrus isn’t Paul. It’s gonna get weird.
- The webcomic might still update, but it may be incomprehensible to humans. The Terms and Conditions remain in effect, depending on the new meanings of “effect”, “remain”, and “and”.
- Reality Gives Up
- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Roko’s Basilisk Policy: By reading these comics, you agree to not create Roko’s Basilisk.
Policy Policy: We strive to have as many policies as possible in this Terms and Conditions, because it is fun. The Terms and Conditions may expand from time to time to include more policies.
Filler Policy: Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet…wait, no, we’re in the AGE OF AI! We can write fake English instead of fake Latin!
Terms And Conditions Expansion Policy: Should the Terms and Conditions expand, you automatically agree to whatever new stuff we added. We won’t let you know when it changes, though, and the changes may be impossibly hard to spot. As such, we encourage you to frequently check this page for updates, like a total weirdo.
Lunar Improvement Policy: Scholars have long debated the virtues and faults of the Moon. Prominent voices have advocated for keeping the Moon as it is. Others have been more critical of the lunar status quo, supporting a vocal movement for the modernization of Earth’s natural satellite. Such “Moon Updates” have proven extremely controversial, and most have been shut down in the planning phase. Nowadays, support for lunar modernization is waning, and although we at Jamie Teleportation support the synthesis of new ideas, we are more conservative on the subject of the Moon. By reading these comics, you agree not to modify, adjust, or otherwise “improve” the Moon.
Dictionary Policy: By using this website, you agree to pause all linguistic change, so that dictionaries can catch up.
AI Policy: ✨Summarize this page✨
Eschatology Policy: In the event that the end of the world is caused by occult forces prophesied in some religious story, you agree to fighting the occult forces.
That concludes this Terms and Conditions! We hope you enjoyed it – actually, no; this is Terms and Conditions, we can MAKE you enjoy it. By reading this Terms and Conditions, you must enjoy it. There we go.
Now go read our comics! The Terms and Conditions commands you.
- Though it can be harvested from salamanders, it is usually synthesized in laboratories, which mass-produce it for commercial use. ↩︎
Once again, that was NOT a real Terms and Conditions. It’s an elaborate joke. The REAL Terms and Conditions is as follows:
Cookie Policy: Cookies are small trackers placed in your browser whenever you visit a website. This website uses necessary cookies to track when a person clicks on the website, but not anything else. By visiting this website, you agree to our use of cookies.
Privacy Policy: For our (real) privacy policy, go to https://jamieteleportation.com/privacy-policy/.
Ownership: You acknowledge that all original content displayed on this website (including but not limited to comics, drawings, photographs, and written works), as well as all related intellectual property rights, are the sole property of Jamie Teleportation and its creator.
The text in that blue box was the real Terms and Conditions. Anything outside the blue or yellow boxes is part of the fake Terms and Conditions.
Postscript Policy: By visiting this website, you agree to add a postscript to every letter or email you ever send, except you have to say “postscript” and not just “PS”.