NOTE: This is not a real terms and conditions. It has not been evaluated by the FDA and is not intended to treat or cure any disease.

By using this website (hereafter referred to as ‘the webcomic,’ ‘this webcomic’, ‘Jamie Teleportation,’ ‘God’, ‘the website’, or ‘this website’), you consent to having used this website. Any comments or images that you put on this website will be nonexistent, since you can’t put comments or images on this website. You can’t actually put anything on the website. Do not put valuable information (such as passwords, location data, or the soul of America) on this website, since, as before mentioned, you can’t. If you somehow do, please take it back, via time travel, demon-summoning, or other friendly options. If this causes problems, go to www.thisisnotarealurlsoifyougotothisweebsiteyouwillgetanerrormessageorsomethinglikethatwedontknowsinceweveneveractuallytried.com. If that causes problems, rectify such problems via time travel, demon-summoning, or other friendly options. You may notice that it would result in a sisyphean loop, so…ah, forget it.

Cookie Policy: Necessary cookies are used to track viewership (but not anything else). Necessary biscuits and croissants may be used as well. If you are a resident of California or the European Union, you may request permission to eat them, provided that this website says yes.

Privacy Policy: We do not sell your personal data, nor make targeted ads or anything; not out of the goodness of our hearts, but because we don’t know how. If there’s an instructional YouTube video for that, we haven’t seen it yet. Speaking of YouTube, try-not-to-laugh compilations are strictly prohibited on this webcomic. All violators will be towed.

Environmental Policy: If we are found to have severely damaged the environment, we will use the prefix “eco-” and the word “green” a lot in our advertising, which will showcase stock photos of some forest in 2017. We’ll also set ‘ambitious targets’, whatever that means. If we fail to meet such targets, we’ll respond with more targets. That should fix everything.

Evolutionary Policy: We strive for inclusivity, so we teach every creation story in our science classes, from typical Adam and Eve creationism to Greek mythology to the Cosmic Hamburger theory. For those who are unaware, the Cosmic Hamburger theory holds that the cosmos emerged from the mouth of a disgruntled customer at a fast-food restaurant who came down with food poisoning moments after biting into a hamburger. Humans are said to have emerged from the half-digested french fries, plants from the completely untouched salad, animals from the hamburger meat, and the rest of the universe from the unidentified mess that constituted the remainder of the hamburger. Like the Adam and Eve story, there is no proof of the Cosmic Hamburger theory besides the fact that a person wrote it down somewhere. But what do you want us to teach in science class, science?

Star Wars Policy: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story is the best Star Wars film. The prequels suck, the Original Trilogy is overrated, and the sequels aren’t actually that bad. They’re decent stories by themselves; they just don’t mesh well with the rest of the Star Wars mythos. The exception is The Rise of Skywalker, which elected to play it safe rather than be a good conclusion. At least The Last Jedi had some backbone. Also, Solo: A Star Wars Story was not that bad. Not great, but not bad. Yoda’s species is the Whills, the species that first explored and documented the galaxy, and R2-D2 is secretly narrating all of Star Wars to a small group of travelers thousands of years after the films take place. There you have it; the entirety of our Star Wars opinions.

Literary Policy: Calvin and Hobbes

Coronavirus Policy: Things seem mostly okay now. If you still feel safer wearing a mask, then sure, go for it. In general, just try to be responsible and whatnot.

Timeline Policy: As is standard in newspaper comics, this webcomic operates on a “floating timeline”. That means that, unless otherwise specified, the events in these comics are always set in the “present”, and the passage of time in the real world doesn’t affect the passage of time in the webcomic world (even if the comics reference events in the real world). If you’re still confused, consult the wisdom of Wikipedia or TvTropes.

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Nutrition Facts

1 serving per internet

Serving Size: 1 Website (0g)

Calories	0
	% Daily Value*
Total Fat 0g	0%
| Saturated Fat 0g	0%
| Trans Fat 0g	0%
Cholesterol 0g	0%
Total Carbohydrate 0g	0%
| Dietary Fiber 0g	0%
| Sugars 0g	0%
Protein 0g	0%

Ingredients: Madness, sanity

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America Policy: “The Soul Of America” means whatever this website wants it to mean.

Economic Policy: Did you know “Economic” has eight letters?

Opposite Day Policy: By reading this webcomic, you agree to celebrating Opposite Day, which shall take place every February 29. As it only takes place on leap years, you have four years to prepare for every Opposite Day. When the day comes, you must do the opposite of every preparation. The opposite of it being Opposite Day is it not being Opposite Day, unfortunately, so you must find a loophole that enables the existence of the holiday. There is another issue in that the opposite of following this policy is ignoring it, so we request that you exercise your loophole powers to the extreme.

Inclusivity Policy: This website isn’t exactly a group one can join or not join, so the concept of “inclusivity” doesn’t make much sense when describing the website proper. Outside of the website, the Terms and Conditions urge you to be kind to others and proud of who you are (unless you’re a jerk, in which case you should be nice and then be proud of who you are). The Terms and Conditions also encourage you not to be a jerk to people, even if they really deserve it. Because if you start being a jerk to people who deserve it, then that makes you a jerk, meaning now you deserve it, and so on and so forth until everyone’s a jerk. In the event that everyone becomes a jerk, consult the “Life’s Meaning Decreases Significantly” portion of our Apocalypse Policy.

Intolerance Policy: If you ever say the phrase “intolerance will not be tolerated”, we will laugh, a lot. If you don’t see what’s so funny, you may need to read either the Wikipedia page for “Wordplay” or our Apocalypse Policy.

Apocalypse Policy:

The end of the world (and your responsibilities for when it occurs) falls under several categories:

• Societal Collapse: For whatever reason, most societal organization ceases, and the world falls into anarchy.
  • The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
• Life’s Meaning Decreases Significantly: Who cares?
  • The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
• Human Extinction: No new humans are born, probably due to everyone dying.
  • The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
• Great Dying: Most life on Earth dies. This probably includes humanity.
  • The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
• Cosmic Armageddon: Our world ends, and so do many others.
  • The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
• Reason Is Out To Lunch: Meaning has no meaning. The walrus isn’t Paul. It’s gonna get weird.
  • The webcomic might still update, but it may be incomprehensible to humans. The Terms and Conditions remain in effect, depending on the new meanings of “effect”, “remain”, and “and”.
• Reality Gives Up
  • ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Roko’s Basilisk Policy: By reading these comics, you agree to not create Roko’s Basilisk.

Policy Policy: We strive to have as many policies as possible in this Terms and Conditions, because it is fun. The Terms and Conditions may expand from time to time to include more policies.

Terms And Conditions Expansion Policy: Should the Terms and Conditions expand, you automatically agree to whatever new stuff we added. We won’t let you know when it changes, though, and the changes may be impossibly hard to spot. As such, we encourage you to frequently check this page for updates, like a total weirdo.

“Latinx” Policy: By reading Jamie Teleportation, you agree to not use the term “Latinx”. The term “Latinx” is meant to be inclusive, but it often ends up being alienating; most Latin Americans haven’t even heard of the term, and even among those who have, the majority think it shouldn’t be used. For more information, read this PEW Research article or this NBC article.

Lunar Improvement Policy: By reading these comics, you agree not to try to improve the Moon. The Moon is fine as it is.

Dictionary Policy: By using this website, you agree to pause all linguistic change, so that dictionaries can catch up.

Eschatology Policy: In the event that the end of the world is caused by occult forces prophesied in some religious story, you agree to fighting the occult forces. Should you fail, consult the “Reason Is Out To Lunch” portion of the Apocalypse Policy.

That concludes this Terms and Conditions! We hope you enjoyed it – actually, no; this is Terms and Conditions, we can MAKE you enjoy it. By reading this Terms and Conditions, you must enjoy it. There we go.

So yeah. Now go read our comics! The Terms and Conditions commands you.

Once again, that was NOT a real Terms and Conditions. It’s an elaborate joke. The REAL Terms and Conditions is as follows:

The text in that blue box was the real Terms and Conditions. Anything not in the blue box is part of the fake Terms and Conditions.

Postscript Policy: By visiting this website, you agree to add a postscript to every letter or email you ever send.