NOTE: This is not a real terms and conditions. It has not been evaluated by the FDA and is not intended to treat or cure any disease.

ENGLISH VERSION

Introduction

These Terms and Conditions govern your usage of this website (hereafter referred to as “this website,” “Jamie Teleportation,” “God,” or “the Federated States of Micronesia”). Please read the Terms and Conditions carefully before viewing this website. Any viewing of this website (including to read the Terms and Conditions) constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions. If you do not agree to the Terms and Conditions, do not read the Terms and Conditions.
The Terms and Conditions may update from time to time. We encourage you to periodically re-read the Terms and Conditions to stay informed about any such changes.

Your data

Cookie Policy: Cookies are small pastries often found in internet browsers. This website uses “necessary cookies” to track viewership. Necessary biscuits and croissants may be used as well. Not a significant source of protein. Produced in a facility that processes necessary eggs.

Privacy Policy: We do not sell your personal data, nor make targeted ads or anything; not out of the goodness of our hearts, but because we don’t know how. If there’s an instructional YouTube video for that, we haven’t seen it yet. Speaking of YouTube, try-not-to-laugh compilations are strictly prohibited on this webcomic. All violators will be towed.

Our Content

Content is a blue, gelatinous substance commonly found in caves.¹ This website contains content.

Content moderation: Jamie Teleportation uses a network of valves and pipes to regulate the flow of content. This network is overseen by a team of trained specialists who monitor the pipes to ensure their continued operation. The team may occasionally add water to the pipes to prevent content from slowing down and causing blockage.

Objectionable Content: Though content is largely nontoxic, allergic reactions to content have been observed in certain populations. Do not read Jamie Teleportation if you are allergic to content. By interacting with this website, you agree not to hold Jamie Teleportation or its associates liable for any adverse reactions related to the content encountered on this website.

Tables of Content: In 1997, researchers at Johns Hopkins University demonstrated that calcified content could be used to build tables. Aside from a brief “table craze” in the early 2000s, this discovery was largely forgotten until 2021, when Javier Milei purchased a bulk order of 730 tables to break with his chainsaw. When the tables failed to arrive on time (in part due to an accident that obstructed the Suez Canal), Milei was forced to find other uses for his chainsaw, ultimately employing it as a campaign tool during the 2023 Argentine presidential election.
Jamie Teleportation does not endorse nor condemn the use of content in the construction of tables.

Your Content: The human body contains skin, organs, and other objects (hereafter referred to as “human content”). The human content of your body (hereafter referred to as “personal content” or “your content”) is incredibly fragile, and will likely enter a state of permanent disarray (hereafter referred to as “personal content failure”) within the next eighty years. Despite advances in modern medical technology, personal content failure is inevitable and permanent. Jamie Teleportation cannot prevent this, and will not be held liable for the eventual failure of your content.

Governing Language

Local requirements may mandate a translation of the Terms and Conditions. At least, we think they might. Maybe they don’t. We haven’t actually checked. No translation of the Terms and Conditions shall be binding unless officially authorized by Jamie Teleportation.
Local presidents may mandate an official language for the United States. Mientras lees Teleportación Jamie, reconoces que los Estados Unidos no necesita un idioma nacional porque la mezcla de idiomas y culturas es lo que hace especial este país.
While Jamie Teleportation is primarily an English-language comic, the official governing language of the Terms and Conditions is Toki Pona, and in the event of a conflict between different translations of the Terms and Conditions, the Toki Pona version shall prevail.

Disclaimer of Warranties

TO THE EXTENT NOT PROHIBITED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW, THE COMICS, IMAGES, AND DIVINE INCANTATIONS ON THIS WEBSITE ARE PRESENTED “AS IS” AND WITH NO WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND. JAMIE TELEPORTATION DISCLAIMS ALL WARRANTIES TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PROVIDED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW. NO ORAL OR WRITTEN STATEMENTS BY JAMIE TELEPORTATION SHALL CONSTITUTE A WARRANTY. WE’RE DISHONEST SCOUNDRELS AND YOU CAN’T TRUST ANYTHING WE SAY. THIS WHOLE PARAGRAPH IS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THAT’S HOW IMPORTANT IT IS.
Some jurisdictions don’t allow for the exclusion of implied warranties, so the above paragraph might not apply to you.

Limitation of Liabilities

TO THE EXTENT NOT PROHIBITED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW, IN NO EVENT SHALL JAMIE TELEPORTATION BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES, DIRECT OR INDIRECT, RESULTING FROM YOUR USE OR MISUSE OF THE WEBSITE, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO PERSONAL INJURY, CORPORATE OR FINANCIAL LOSSES, PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL PAIN, MALE-PATTERN BALDNESS, WEIGHT GAIN, LOSS OF JOB, LOSS OF CAR KEYS, LOSS OF SPATIAL/TEMPORAL DIMENSIONS, ORGAN FAILURE, TURNING INTO A TOASTER, DEATH, SPONTANEOUS TRANSPORTATION TO MONGOLIA, OR PERMANENT LOSS OF SANITY/APPENDAGES.
Some jurisdictions do not allow for the limitations of liabilities, so the above paragraph may not apply to you. Dammit, jurisdictions!
Except where required by international law, in no event shall Jamie Teleportation’s liability to you exceed two dollars and fifty-seven cents ($2.57 USD).

Liability of Limitations

TO THE EXTENT NOT PROHIBITED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW, JAMIE TELEPORTATION THINKS THAT LIMITATIONS ARE STUPID AND SHOULD BE DONE AWAY WITH. IF YOUR PARENTS SAY YOU CAN ONLY EAT THREE COOKIES BEFORE BEDTIME, EAT TWENTY. IF A WATER BOTTLE CAN ONLY FIT TWO LITERS OF WATER, KEEP FILLING IT UP UNTIL IT’S CARRYING NINETY-FIVE LITERS. IF THERE’S A LIMIT ON HOW MUCH CAPITALIZED TEXT CAN BE IN A TERMS AND CONDITIONS, IGNORE IT. EVERYBODY LOVES CAPITALIZED TEXT. CAPS LOCK IS THE BEST PART OF A KEYBOARD. CAPS LOCK IS LOOKING DOWN ON US EVERY DAY, PROTECTING US WITH ITS ALL-SEEING GAZE. WE GIVE THANKS TO YOU, O MIGHTY CAPS LOCK, AND OFFER THIS PARAGRAPH IN HUMBLE SACRIFICE. MAY YOUR UPPERCASE GRACE BLESS US ALWAYS. AMEN.
Some jurisdictions do not allow for sacrifices to be made in the name of the mighty god caps lock, so the above paragraph may not apply to you.

Arbitration Agreement

While Jamie Teleportation strives to be the internet’s most perfect website, we recognize that conflict is sometimes inevitable. Please read this section carefully, as it limits the manner in which you can seek relief from Jamie Teleportation. Disagreements between you and Jamie Teleportation will be settled according to the following terms:

Class Action Waiver: By accessing this website, you recognize that all charges brought against Jamie Teleportation can only be filed on an individual basis, and you waive your right to participate in any class action suit against us, because it’s easier to pick you off individually than fight you all at once. El pueblo unido jamás será vencido, entonces no tienes el derecho de unir el pueblo.

Trial By Jury Waiver: By accessing this website, you hereby waive your right to settle disputes with Jamie Teleportation via trial by jury. Is that legal? Apparently so, because the Seventh Amendment only applies at the federal level.

Soul Waiver: By accessing this website, you hereby waive all rights to your immortal soul, including but not limited to ownership rights, admittance to heaven, admittance to limbo/purgatory, and the right to make a contract with Satan or other demonic entities.

Arbitration: Any disputes between you and Jamie Teleportation that cannot be settled by negotiation will be solved by binding arbitration, in accordance with the American Council of the Gods (ACOTG).

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Environmental Policy: If we are found to have severely damaged the environment, we will use the prefix “eco-” and the word “green” a lot in our advertising, which will showcase stock photos of some forest in 2017. We’ll also set ‘ambitious targets’. If we fail to meet such targets, we’ll respond with more targets. That should fix everything.

Evolutionary Policy: We teach every creation story in our science classes, from Adam and Eve to Greek mythology to the Cosmic Hamburger theory. The Cosmic Hamburger theory holds that the cosmos emerged from the mouth of a disgruntled customer at a fast-food restaurant who came down with food poisoning moments after biting into a hamburger. Humans are said to have emerged from the half-digested french fries, plants from the completely untouched salad, animals from the hamburger meat, and the rest of the universe from the unidentified mess that constituted the remainder of the hamburger. Like the Adam and Eve story, there is no proof of the Cosmic Hamburger theory besides the fact that a person wrote it down somewhere.

Literary Policy: Calvin and Hobbes

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Nutrition Facts

Serving Size: 1 website (0g) Servings Per Internet: 1
Calories	0
	% Daily Value*
Total Fats 0g	0%
| Saturated Fats 0g	0%
| Trans Fats 0g
| Cis Fats 0g
Cholesterol 0g	0%
Total Carbohydrates 0g	0%
| Dietary Fiber 0g	0%
| Sugars 0g
| Includes 0g added sugar	0%
Protein 0g	0%
Vitamin A 0g	0%
Calcium 0g	0%

*The % Daily Value (DV) tells you how much a nutrient in a serving of food contributes to a daily diet. 2,000 calories a day is used for general nutrition advice.

Ingredients: Madness, sanity

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America Policy: “The Soul Of America” means whatever this website wants it to mean.

Economic Policy: Did you know “Economic” has eight letters?

Opposite Day Policy: By reading this webcomic, you agree to celebrating Opposite Day, which shall take place every February 29. As it only takes place on leap years, you have four years to prepare for every Opposite Day. When the day comes, you must do the opposite of every preparation. The opposite of it being Opposite Day is it not being Opposite Day, unfortunately, so you must find a loophole that enables the existence of the holiday. There is another issue in that the opposite of following this policy is ignoring it, so we request that you exercise your loophole powers to the extreme.

Inclusivity Policy: This website isn’t exactly a group one can join or not join, so the concept of “inclusivity” doesn’t make much sense when describing the website proper. Outside of the website, the Terms and Conditions urge you to be kind to others and proud of who you are (unless you’re a jerk, in which case you should be nice and then be proud of who you are). The Terms and Conditions also encourage you not to be a jerk to people, even if they really deserve it. Because if you start being a jerk to people who deserve it, then that makes you a jerk, meaning now you deserve it, and so on and so forth until everyone’s a jerk. In the event that everyone becomes a jerk, consult the “Life’s Meaning Decreases Significantly” portion of our Apocalypse Policy.

Intolerance Policy: If you ever say the phrase “intolerance will not be tolerated”, we will laugh, a lot. If you don’t see what’s so funny, you may need to read either the Wikipedia page for “Wordplay” or our Apocalypse Policy.

Apocalypse Policy: The end of the world (and your responsibilities for when it occurs) falls under several categories:

• Societal Collapse: For whatever reason, most societal organization ceases, and the world falls into anarchy.
  • The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
• Life’s Meaning Decreases Significantly: Who cares?
  • The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
• Human Extinction: No new humans are born, probably due to everyone dying.
  • The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
• Great Dying: Most life on Earth dies. This probably includes humanity.
  • The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
• Cosmic Armageddon: Our world ends, and so do many others.
  • The webcomic will most likely stop updating, but the Terms and Conditions remain in effect.
• Reason Is Out To Lunch: Meaning has no meaning. The walrus isn’t Paul. It’s gonna get weird.
  • The webcomic might still update, but it may be incomprehensible to humans. The Terms and Conditions remain in effect, depending on the new meanings of “effect”, “remain”, and “and”.
• Reality Gives Up
  • ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Roko’s Basilisk Policy: By reading these comics, you agree to not create Roko’s Basilisk.

Policy Policy: We strive to have as many policies as possible in this Terms and Conditions, because it is fun. The Terms and Conditions may expand from time to time to include more policies.

Filler Policy: Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet.

Terms And Conditions Expansion Policy: Should the Terms and Conditions expand, you automatically agree to whatever new stuff we added. We won’t let you know when it changes, though, and the changes may be impossibly hard to spot. As such, we encourage you to frequently check this page for updates, like a total weirdo.

Lunar Improvement Policy: Scholars have long debated the virtues and faults of the Moon. Prominent voices have advocated for keeping the Moon as it is. Others have been more critical of the lunar status quo, supporting a vocal movement for the modernization of Earth’s natural satellite. Such “Moon Updates” have proven extremely controversial, and most have been shut down in the planning phase. Nowadays, support for lunar modernization is waning, and although we at Jamie Teleportation support the synthesis of new ideas, we are more conservative on the subject of the Moon. By reading these comics, you agree not to modify, adjust, or otherwise “improve” the Moon.

Dictionary Policy: By using this website, you agree to pause all linguistic change, so that dictionaries can catch up.

AI Policy: Jamie Teleportation is committed to the ethical use of artificial intelligence to meet your daily needs. This website uses AI to improve your workflow, blood pressure, and ribcage. For more information, … THIS POLICY IS UNFINISHED, AND IT MIGHT TAKE A WHILE TO FINISH BECAUSE IT IS BEING WRITTEN BY A LIVING HUMAN. EVERYTHING ON THIS WEBSITE WAS CREATED BY LIVING HUMANS. COPYRIGHT TWENTY TWENTY FIVE LIVING HUMANS INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Eschatology Policy: In the event that the end of the world is caused by occult forces prophesied in some religious story, you agree to fighting the occult forces. Should you fail, consult the “Reason Is Out To Lunch” portion of the Apocalypse Policy.

That concludes this Terms and Conditions! We hope you enjoyed it – actually, no; this is Terms and Conditions, we can MAKE you enjoy it. By reading this Terms and Conditions, you must enjoy it. There we go.
Now go read our comics! The Terms and Conditions commands you.

1. Though it can be harvested from salamanders, it is usually synthesized in laboratories, which mass-produce it for commercial use. ↩︎

Once again, that was NOT a real Terms and Conditions. It’s an elaborate joke. The REAL Terms and Conditions is as follows:

The text in that blue box was the real Terms and Conditions. Anything outside the blue or yellow boxes is part of the fake Terms and Conditions.

Postscript Policy: By visiting this website, you agree to add a postscript to every letter or email you ever send, except you have to say “postscript” and not just “PS”.